


Luca

by 8hephaestion8



Series: Perspectives [3]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Commitment, Committed Relationship, Desire, Established Relationship, Heartache, Love, M/M, Other, Resolution, Sex, love making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 22:29:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hephaestion8/pseuds/8hephaestion8
Summary: This is Luca's take on Armie's situation.I don't know these people, this is a work of fiction.Armie makes a visit to Luca to discuss his situation at home, married to Elizabeth, in love with Timothee.  It is getting close to a time when Armie has to make a decision.  The film is long finished but the consequences are ongoing.This is the same as the other Luca, it didn't go through or so I thought...





	Luca

I expect to fall in love with my actors; it helps when they fall in love with each other.

 

I had watched Social Network.  He had leading man potential, he was a matinee idol for the modern age, and yet… He intrigued me because normally actors are either hiding something that they do not recognise in themselves: a loss arising from family relationships – a strong mother, a missing father, sibling rivalry, unfulfilled relationships, submissive when troubled.

Or, they were full of themselves: over confident, devastating self-belief, self-destructive, unaware, sure of their place and the right of deserving acclaim, seeking that acclaim if it is not immediately available. 

At heart lacking, faced with desire.  Desire nearly always accompanied by a fear of not doing the thing that is desired or anticipation of going along with the desire and what that leads to, i.e. always being in a state of desire.

The ability to articulate an expression of themselves is normally drummed out of them in training – in order to access any emotion, repeat that emotion, break them down, taught techniques to remove self to create a vessel for the character. What I seek is the ability to find self in the character. Find a boundary and work within it.

Armie did not fit into any category. 

He is naturally a nice person, in its truest sense – once bonded he will stick with you through thick and thin, but his world was small, co-existing with people like him and comfortable.  Easy to glide through and leaving no impression but a good one, after all manners cost nothing.  Is that harsh?  Perhaps a European sensibility, we do not value the easy manners Americans specialise in, we suspect something, no thing is given for free or for nothing – isn’t that true?

When we met for lunch in 2009, I tried to phase him by being quiet – I gave him nothing, I acted, I probed I became an empty vessel for him to fill, he didn’t understand that I was trying to find the man, he relentlessly sold himself; he did not realise that he did not have to sell himself I was sold on him already. He gave me that easy California persona all bonhomie, old money, old world charm – most rich Americans from good families are really Europeans corrupted by money and power – and he is rich.  He has never had a hard day in his life so he doesn’t really know how to deal with pain.  It was always a surprise to him when he came up against the realities of real life – that you cannot always get what you want when in fact what you have is more than necessary for the circumstances you find yourself in.  He always lands on his feet, got what he wanted by cleverly limiting himself so he did not have to look further than his boundary. and did not know he is never without the wherewithal to get exactly what he wants, what he lacked was belief in himself and accepting that it is alright to want, to know that want,  and to take what is desired. 

What he hides is surprising; he can speak Spanish, has a basic understanding of French, plays piano and has a passable singing voice. He is well read and eclectic in his choice of music and art.  He also hides that he is obedient. On set he is a willing and compliant colleague, name me a director who will not work with him again?  The impulsiveness is borne out of politeness, the easygoingness a shade for not demanding what he wants and the frustration, of not getting it.

After I met him in 2009 I decided that he was right for Oliver – but I didn’t want to frighten him away.  So I kept quiet.  I tracked the work he was doing, I thought I knew how to draw him out.  I knew he would be available and interested, his career was stalling. Under the bravado was a sensitivity, he did not reveal himself for fear of being made a fool – Armie is a person who until CMBYN needed to be told his value.  He had a framework for life embedded by his mother, engrained, the pattern is deep, in 2009 he does not know this. He was satisfied.

His wife loves him for his weaknesses not because she can bring him to greatness.  She knows that should he start believing in himself, her value to him becomes void – the fundamental weakness will have gone.  Love and partnerships are either built on weakness or admiration, a matter of what can be managed in a long term partnership.  How much can be stood?  How much do you want that person?  Can they give you what you need?  Wanting is not needing - many people do not recognise this.  Armie had begun to understand the difference.

Timothee came fully formed, smart mouthed, quick in thought and action.  I could articulate an emotion, a sense - he would internalise it and put it on film in a pure form. It was not work. I could not love him the way I loved Armie, Armie needed me – Timothee wanted to work with me.

Neither of them realised that they were both born fully conscious ready to realise a bond yet to be experienced.

Initially they thought nobody had seen what was happening because they didn’t see it themselves.  We saw it before they did. After the first week they would go for dinners together, spend time ‘rehearsing’, getting very close without knowing how or what they were doing – as I have said ‘they were cute’.

“Would you like to join Fernandino and I for dinner tonight, we are planning to watch The Sheltering Sky.  Armie?  I think there is something in this film I want to show you.”

He glanced from me to Timmy. Timmy was passive – neutral and self-preserved, Armie became anxious.

“Go, Go, I can tell you have made arrangements.  We can look at her another time”

Relief showed across his face.  I kept an eye, I remembered our conversation, he did not know his desires then, they were rising to surface, they took him by surprise.

 

Armie

When I met Luca, I thought he only wanted to meet me because he wanted me to work with him.  I was right.  Except I thought he would be following up ‘I am Love’ within the next two years and I could have played the role portrayed by Matthias Schoenaerts.  I had read the broad outline, it was perfect for me.  He had started the conversation by discussing La Piscine by Deray on which A Bigger Splash was based.  I was naïve, raw – he spoke on terms I didn’t really grasp, I had gone in to charm him. I knew the film but not well enough to discuss in detail – he wasn’t interested in discussing it in detail he was interested in its themes. How desire can subvert normal behaviour, morality is flexible, how love can be used as a tool to imprint and impose rigid belief systems on people you love.  I loved the intellectual bent of his mind.  I had never had this level of debate with a director, my parents or indeed my friends.  I engaged fully.  I didn’t notice that he started the conversation but let me work through some difficult issues I was going through.

I had recently decided to marry Elizabeth, I had worked through what I thought were the criteria for a life partner.  This discussion gave me further food for thought but if anything helped me decide that I had made the right choice. 

I was foolish, I thought I had trounced Luca and that Elizabeth was the answer to the problems with my family.  I had resolved nothing, I thought was indelibly inked ‘Hammer’, in fact Elizabeth was just taking over where my mother had left off.   I was discussing the film and its themes, he was discussing life.  My life experience would in time come to resemble his and his presage mine.

Luca talked of his partner Fernandino - 15 years his junior and the same age as me; Fernandino was in his early twenties when they got together in 2009 and worked with him on his films, this was perfectly analogous – Luca had thought he was set upon a life without a lifetime partner, Fernandino thought differently and set out to change his mind.

People have said that Luca lusted after me and wanted to sleep with me, and that was the reason for his hiring me.  There is some truth in this, I am used to it I am not unaware.  Luca is also not stupid, why give up your lifetime partner for an actor?  Someone who drifts from role to role, prepared to give themselves up to any director, even someone they detest?  No, Luca is at heart loyal, he likes stability.  Without stability and loyalty an actor is not grounded, successful actors find some way of balancing this, others and you have seen them fall off their feet onto waste ground and are destroyed.

For Luca love is a whole thing, it is not the dizzy first pangs, nor constant desire uncontrollable lust, nor even friendship - it is about the essential elements of a person, of course the lust sexual and otherwise, has to be there but greater than that is the unknown quantity, that thing which is not measurable which more or less makes you helpless in the face of their being, their existence.  And, it is not confined to the personal it can be found in artistry, craftsmanship and skills – there must be something to be admired.  I looked around his crew – theory borne out by the number of people who have worked with him over time and return to his projects.  Their presence was bought with his love.

In Luca, I had found someone who would turn out to be a template for the life I longed for.  I just didn’t know it at the time.

 

Timothee is my soulmate, pure and simple. I gaze upon him, sick with love and with lust. I cannot help it or myself.

 

Now I look back at my early relationship with Elizabeth. 

I lusted after her for sure, there was the time that we were at a reception – the sex was automaton; I wanted her and I was in control. I took her out of the reception, found an office, pulled her dress up dragged off the knickers and fucked her on a desk - acting out a scenario, a few things were broken – we left some cash.  She enjoyed the ‘unpredictability’, she was older than me and equal to my experimentation, from her I learnt it was alright to try things out sexually.  She introduced me to sex games, shibari ropes, and role playing.  I would wear her lace knickers, get her somewhere quiet and she would put her hand on me, rubbing me through the lace until I was hard, pulling on/stroking/sucking my dick in risky places until I came in her hand or mouth; standing close enough to set me off in a crowd; edge me until we got home - her hands on me whilst we were driving.  It was kind of formulaic – scenes or sexual experiences to work through so it could be said we tried it, once done we would say that was fun.

We dared each other, not just sexually but also in what we would put up with from each other.  When Harper was born, she stopped cooking and helping around the house, from then on there was always help in the house, it destroyed our spontaneity. Something else had to replace it.  I was forced into another role, Lover turned Provider.

I turned her into a Madonna, we had vanilla sex.  I was satisfied with life, and not yet 30.  Luca understood me very well.

 

Luca

I watched as Armie and Timmy fell in love; I spoke of love but I did not explain what this meant – I left it up to them to discover.  Once Armie arrived I stayed out of the way.  They would come to dinner sometimes, but mostly they were left to their own devices and quickly fell into their own routine.  I learnt what was going on by observing them and listening to gossip.

Fernandino looked on, I could see that he recognised how closely their situation resembled how we had got together – also on a film set.  He had been working as a trainee director, he was gifted and not afraid to make a suggestion or to talk to me the producer on equal terms.  It was refreshing, many times on a set, the producer and director are isolated, they have the overview and need to manage the detailed running of a set, they are at the business end of the film, the production rests on their shoulders – the actors have to be taken on a journey and either they get it or they don’t.  Many films fail not because of a poor story or setting, but because the actors are not engaged or have personal issues basically they have taken the job for reasons other than art.  This makes me angry, I expect my actors to engage fully, I work only with people who get it, are prepared to commit themselves fully and understand the theory and possibility of film.  I don’t make movies for box office, I have a very clear idea of the story, themes and ideas I want to put on film, they don’t work unless the actors are on board and show independence by revealing different aspects of their selves, I am asking for honesty, it is a big ask.  It is not just the characters who appear on screen, my actors too. My actors must do their research, use the performance of other actors to inform their portrayal of their characters – it is broadly technique underpinned by true knowledge of themselves.  I am a jealous person – they are my actors and I love them, I want and expect everything from them – they are after all my lovers.  This film is about Desire and Love, especially First Love and Commitment. It is important that they are prepared to reveal their heart and in doing so access those parts of themselves only lovers see.

 

Armie

I didn’t really have a first love – Elizabeth doesn’t count, she was my friend first.  I thought I had had first love, turned out these were not first loves but experiences, experiences I used to work out what I did not want. They were not about what I wanted.  That is the difference with Timmy.  I know that I want him.

 

He is lush

like the first green grass

on the border of Spring and Summer

walked on

soft

wet sucking on feet on dick ass behind ear

flesh joining neck

I feel his skin still on mine

Mouth clean like the brush of silk

under his arm scented

I like to draw my tongue through hair there

passing between his ribs

not licking but tasting further across his body

hair round his cock

push my nose in his crevices

they belong to me

sweet sour salty shit yes shit sex

liquid secreted for me

that little mark seen only by lovers

flesh swollen by desire

plump skin grown taut

tight inner parts of him used only by me

openings brushed by my tongue only

he is mine

how do I know?

he is shy

but not with me

sense when he needs me alone

he craves me

he seeks me

my touch on his skin

we feed upon each other

feeling talking skin

under inside surrounding me

carry him with me

in my heart

my head

hear him

feel him inside my body

we fuck no barrier

he has been absorbed

glowing to have taken him inside me

rough yet smooth

thinking about him like this

my flesh rises remembering

mouth like a cherry

strawberry texture yielding

want to rub stroke fuck

feel him

above all know him

indescribable in all ways

not for sharing

he is mine.

 

The crisis came after filming.  He turned up distraught, switched on to his circumstances.  The first night mulling over what he wanted to discuss with me.  The next two days talking his feelings and cares through.  He needed another viewpoint someone who had been through what he was going through now.

I had to let him work through his trials; I had seen that the end of filming was also the end of a ‘parallel’ life.  By the end of the shoot he had seen it was possible to come to terms with himself, had found an alternative happiness with Timmy and discovered that he did have the wherewithal to determine his life.  He had needed time to allow feelings to come to the surface, he knew he could not rely on his old patterns of behaviour old coping mechanisms.   He had to tell Elizabeth.

 

“Hey Luca, how are things?”

It wasn’t a real question, a prelude.

“Good Evening Armie, oh I forget it is afternoon your side. How are you?  How is Elizabeth?”

“Luca, I wondered if I could come and spend a couple of days with you?”

I fell quiet, I knew what he wanted to discuss, the question was whether he really had come to terms with his situation.

“Of course, of course, when are you coming?”

“I think Friday - 16th June, probably will get there on the evening flight around 7.00pm.”

I noted the date, later this week, Father’s Day weekend.  It could not wait.

“OK, that is fine Armie – I would love to see you. Shall I send a car for you or will you take a taxi?  Are you coming alone?”

“Yes send a car please, that way I don’t have to wait around for a taxi. It will be just me.  Luca, look just so I am being straight with you, I need to discuss something.  I don’t want to start now; I really don’t know what to do, my head is all over the place – I haven’t settled since Crema, and I have tried.  I can’t put all the pieces back together by myself and I need your help. I tried talking it through with Nicky it didn’t help and I can’t talk to my parents.  One moment I know exactly what I want, the next fucking confusion, I can’t set my thoughts straight.  And, it is not something I want to discuss with either Elizabeth or Timmy.”

Once he mentioned Timmy, the subject matter was clear.  I alerted Fernandino, and asked him if he would mind staying with his family for the period of Armie’s stay.  He is so gentle and understanding, and agreed straight away.  He trusted me and I trusted him; he had seen everything because he was on set as my extended pair of eyes and hands.  We had discussed Armie’s situation and we both knew that at some point he would need to resolve his position, it was untenable.

 

Decision making – we are all subject to processes we do not understand, the mind hides how decisions are made, isn’t that so?  Otherwise we really would go mad, a series of calculations too fast to be understood, memories and feelings added together and not always in the light.

 

He arrived looking tired, staring straight ahead not able to come direct to a decision but knowing what he had to do.

 

“Thing is Luca, I thought I had everything settled, my life is in order – everything is organised according to my wishes.  Elizabeth has set up a perfect life for me I don’t need to worry about organising anything, I just have to get myself to work, fuck her, take care of the children occasionally, not mind the fittings & beauty treatments or the constant presence by my side.  It is fucking tiring.

When I was in Crema – I had an ordinary life.  That is fucked up.  I have an ordinary life in California, a family, wife, a wide circle of friends, man I was satisfied.  And I was fucking lying to myself. 

I feel like my heart has been opened, I can see the difference, trust me I have tried to stay on the straight and narrow.  I built a deep friendship with Timmy in Crema, more than friendship, a relationship – I have to admit that. I was sexually fulfilled.”

He looked at me, was I judging?

“Armie, I am not a counsellor, I am a director, sometimes lucky with my actors because they give to me freely – Timmy is such an actor… he has no filter when in character, he knows that I will protect him and he knows how to protect himself.  Bear this in mind, I cannot answer your questions, because I think you know the answers, realise sometimes a role will be very close to the person or a situation and opening your heart to the character will also open your heart. 

What you may be feeling now is a reaction to the character and not your circumstance. I don’t need to know about your sexual fulfilment, it is irrelevant and temporary – I worry about your happiness.  Are you happy Armie?  What do you need to make you happy?”

“I don’t know Luca, Luca on set, I had no distractions and you created a safe place for me to creatively explore my acting, I wasn’t seeking to change my personal circumstances – look, I want your advice, I want to know how you resolved your relationship with Fernandino.  It is not the same – you were both free but there are similarities. An age gap, periods of uncertainty, an approach by Fernandino, a significantly younger partner.  What did his parents say?  Likewise, I did not take anything from Timothee; whatever we have, this bond is deep emotionally and sexually – I want him Luca.  Not just through lust, I want all of him and I want all of him to be mine.  What I cannot work out, is if I am deluding myself.  Is this a result of selfishness? To have him and not own him, free of any responsibility – meet or fuck when we have the opportunity or if this is something material and not to be thrown away?  I have a wife and two children, a whole life away from his, I don’t need to have him around but I cannot get him out of my mind.”

“My circumstance was completely different to yours Armie.  Culturally, the US is very different to Italy and Europe, I don’t need to worry about my career, I don’t have a mother who believes in God derived punishment, and I don’t have a wife and children wholly dependent on me for income and lifestyle.  I was in a long period of abstinence, not lonely but alone, and really not sure I would ever have a life partner – Fernandino came along at the right time for me, I was ready for him.

I am clear about my sexuality and my desires in that way.  Italy is not entirely kind to gay men, but in my town, I am loved and accepted it is enough – the only similarity is the age gap.  You have to separate out the things in your life which are preventing you from achieving happiness.  And, you need to work out what will make you content with your life – it may not be what makes you happy.  You have a lot to decide upon, are you willing to give up everything you have now and settle for a new way of living?”

He looked at me, his eyes had gone deep, unfocussed, not conscious of time or where he was, his thoughts were criss-crossing his whole being, I had seen this Armie before at Sundance and at Berlin he was re-living Crema. 

I also knew that Timothee had been staying with the Hammers, this arrangement was madness – to be close to a desired person and not be able to express that desire freely - physically, intellectually or emotionally, is a situation designed to create crisis.  And Armie was in crisis.  Timothee was strong, and resolute, he knew exactly what he wanted and he wanted Armie on any terms until he got the whole person, a situation Armie was waking up to but not owning because he wanted Tim as much if not more.  I could not allow him to disregard this, I dislike all forms of illusion and dishonesty.

Fernandino joined us for Sunday lunch, Armie asked him some desultory questions about why he had made his approach to me, his motivations and how he knew that it was right – but he was asking them to round out the picture.  He had had the answers he was seeking the previous day.  He flew back the next day, Monday 18th June 2017.

 

I knew that I would not hear from him again until he had resolved his situation, it took him until the opening of the Autumn Press tour – he was canny he secured Tim’s love and commitment but knew that he did not have to, to finally learn how to secure happiness.

 

 


End file.
